I’m not there yet.

“I’ve arrived”. Hmm!! Have I truly arrived? Ah, nope! I’ve been walking with Jesus a long time, and I’m not tired yet? Honestly, I have gotten tired, if we’re to be real. In fact, I have given up in my mind. In other words, I still attended every service there was to attend, but my heart was afar off from God. I know, that’s crazy! I think it’s crazy, too. The problem was, the way people viewed me, and the office I served in the ministry. So it pressured me to fight, even when I didn’t want to. In that moment of being in that state of mind, I realized how important it is to come into the presence of the Lord. Even though I was miles away, I was still being fed. Did you hear me? I was still being fed. If I had left like tons of other folks, I would be left hungry without a word.

Listen! It doesn’t matter what you are going through or what you are feeling, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT forsake the assembling of the brethren. “Oh I can’t go to church because I messed up last night”  LIES!! You better dress up with your lovely sick self and go to the hospital (church) Sis/Bro.

Knowing who you are in Christ is mandatory. If you are unaware of your authority, the devil will kick box you and take you for a toy. So, to continue, I asked God to show me who I am through Him, and in Him. And that babe, has been a life changing moment for me. I know who God says I am, what He says I am….. I know who I am. Boom ba da boom!!!

Listen, I have not yet arrived, but I know who I am now. Devils are mad at who I am. Because who I am in Christ, threatens their kingdom, and oh I love it. I’m not there yet, but I will be there in a twinkle of an eye. Ouch! I think something just dropped in my eye. That must be the glory. Ayye  God.

In conclusion, I wanna let you know, that you must fight for who you want to be in God. It will not come overnight. But if you are persistent, it will happen. God bless you. Now may the saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ…….. & you know the rest.

Bless or nah?

So the other day, I ran through my door in a hurry, hoping to catch the next bus. As soon as I got to the bus stop, I saw the bus coming from a distance. Immediately, I stretched my long arm out and started to wag it up and down “to the incoming anticipating of my appointment that I cannot miss”. In the midst of waving to this huge coaster bus, it drove passed me. 😐

Ok, here is where I need to take a deep breath, calm down and say a prayer.

“Oh no, this stupid bus did not just drove passed me”

Thoughts of missing my appointment begun to flash crossed my mind, as I stood there in disappointment. Right after this thought, I saw another bus coming

“Whew, I am not doomed for eternity”

I got on this bus, took a sigh of relief, unload my shoulder with this heavy weight of a bag, and got comfortable in my seat. As we approach the hill to my destination, the same bus that I was stopping met in an accident and was wasted on the hill top. My mouth dropped in “omgs” thinking what would’ve happened to me if I was in that bus. I became thankful for what I was just saved from.

Moral of the story? Sometimes we become too hasty and in turn, sometimes angry. When all God is trying to do is save us from something that might cost us everything. So I learned my lesson this day, that every situation is a test that will teach us how to manage the next step of our lives.

“Today, I am blessed and highly favoured. I am covered under the blood of Jesus” 🍁

I’m not a B.O.Y

So tonight I looked myself in the mirror, with my sleeping pants a inch away from sagging. I had to remind myself that I’m not a boy.

Even though the alarm didn’t really stop ringing. I kept on snoozing my feelings, and sooner are later they’ll tick again. I’ll just have to count from one to 10 and the right hand on the clock in my head starts moving again. Rhythmically, it plays the beat of no sound, echoing to waves of no notes.

Did God made a mistake? Why do I feel so masculine, yet my femininity disguise itself when I’m alone.

I wear skirts everyday, but I feel liberated in my sleeping shorts, since that’s the only time I get to push my legs in two different compartments. sometimes I feel like my gender is shoved between two different compartments. Does this make sense?

Like the other day, I playfully curled my hair, paying attention to every spots in my face, making sure my outfit was something to be admired. And it felt meaningful just being a girl, but when I got home and looked myself in that mirror in those sleeping shorts, all I see is was boy. So I secretly have two personalities, unknowingly. But nobody really pays attention, in fact I don’t really get attention, I only pay the boy that shows up just when I’m about to go to bed.

Sometimes I hate sitting with my legs closed, but I have to because it’s what ladies do, right? I hate that I’m forced to be in the kitchen, clean, and wash the dishes but I guess that’s what ladies do, right? I envy my 15 yr old brother, he’s such a boy in its entirety. He’s not forced to be a boy. He just be. He gets the privilege of walking around in boxes only. And if only, I was a boy. But I’m not!

And those sleeping shorts have been a memorial tutor to the boy that doesn’t really exist. And I exit every morning and fall right into his traps at nights. But tonight he dies, but I shall not die, so bye to this BOY, and the woman that is placed in me will come alive. And this life will be for a lifetime, till the end of time.

I am… but I’m not a boy.

A girl that is. Beautifully and w onderful made, in His image. Perfectly carved without damage.

So, tonight I looked myself in the mirror, with my skirt swinging low, riding on my hips, I pinky promise, that I will be me, not a counterfeit, but me.

-Chan

Lost And Found

How did I got here? I’ve spent most of my time trying to comprehend this life of a roller coaster, shadowed by meaningless circumstances. Why didn’t mom warned me? Why didn’t I gotten a map of my destiny. Instead, all my roads were crossed with crossroads memories. Two years ago I was swept by joy and happiness, and I thought life had wished me well and happily ever after. But after, I fell from the clouds of all my endeavors, causing me to lose myself as if losing myself I’d find it.

Lost in the middle of nowhere, hoping that my countenance give signals to those that are close to me. No one notices, no one pays attention. Screaming out in silence, drowned by my own emotions. They tipped me over. I fell off the surface, with images of being raptured by someone’s grace. I’ve never journeyed this path before. I had no idea life would’ve betrayed me like this. I have been nothing but faithful. But my faithfulness brought me sorrow and grief.

Sometimes I believe I should be lost in places that can’t be found. But to my disappointment, someone always discover me waving flags in the center of the deep. Crying for a savior to rescue me from the current of the ocean that kept pulling me from my resting place. Being lost, being lost… I won’t have to punish myself for making a mistake, or run away in my head for being judged my persons who think I’m not worthy. But through this, I wish me longevity so long that I teach others how to live in found places.

 

– Chan